The Israelites wandered around in the desert for 40 years. God led them out of their bondage in Egypt, provided exactly what they needed every single day and took them to the promised land. But even knowing the life of slavery and hardship they had come from, even seeing the land of plenty God brought them to and even the hope and promise of a new life of that they still longed for their life in slavery. They lived a new freedom and a new happiness and the hope of a new future.
I wandered around in my food addiction for about 34 years. Eating mass quantities of food, gaining more and more weight and being so large and so sick...trapped in a prison of lonely fatness. Then I found FA and I stopped eating flour and sugar. I detoxed. My skin cleared up, I had more energy. God brought me out of slavery and showed me a life I dreamed of. He showed me the promise of a new freedom and a new happiness. Ninety pounds came off my body and I began to believe that a thin body was out there for me. But still I longed for the food. The flour and sugar called to me. I craved. Then I broke abstinence and walked from the promised land to the dessert. Cake. Chocolate frosted.
Every day I say that I start every day with the desire to be abstinent but then something happens. Or nothing happens. And the food calls me out. The angel on one shoulder says just don't take the bite. You can do this one bite at a time. Just eat your weighed and measured meal. Then the demon on the other shoulder says oh just eat it. You know you want to and tomorrow can be day one just as easily as today. And you have more food to eat. Once you go back you give them up forever. What's one more day?
For the past week I've given in. I've eaten the many many bites. Now the flour and sugar is back in my body and I have another detox ahead of me. And I am ashamed. My sponsees had to find new sponsors. My service positions were assumed by others. My stomache is smooshing up against the steering wheel again for the first time in months. I'm sad and I'm embarrassed and I'm afraid. Many times I have shared in meetings that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had many more binges in me but another recovery was not certain.
And that was the problem. My binge, my recovery, my food, my act of weighing and measuring, my sponsees. Where was God in my recovery? Right on the sideline where I benched Him to watch the game. And where did that lead me...back wandering in the dessert.
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2 comments:
I'm glad you're back to blogging -- and back to trying. I gained back some of what I lost, too, and I'm so disgusted with myself.
But every day is a new day.
You can do this, Linette! Don't let Satan rob you of your freedom. Go to the Father for strength, for you cannot do this without the Holy Spirit. No matter what you do, God is clinging to you, cheering for you, waiting for you with open arms.
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