Back in the food

I did it. I went back to the food. It started slowly. "What's one more meal out? It's not a problem. That doesn't look like four ounces or six ounces. It's not a big deal, it's just vegetables." But before I ate the extra food I stopped taking care of myself. "I don't really feel like making my phone calls today or my doing my quiet time or my journaling. And I really want to have fun so I think I will stay out late and catch up on my sleep on the weekend."

I've heard many times in the past year that the last thing that happens is the bite. That was true for me.

And then when I finally picked up the flour and sugar it did not do it for me. I did not get that warm, fuzzy feeling after eating. When I forked up those bites of chocolate cake, and the hamburger with all the fixins, and the chips, and the Mike's Hard Lime and the ice cream I did not feel better. I did not get that high. I was so surprised.

I thought to myself...I haven't eaten flour or sugar in 15 months so I should feel better right away. But I didn't. In fact, I felt sick. In the Big Book we read about the progressiveness of our disease and how if we pick up again we are right back where we left off. I experienced this truth.

When I came to FA, the food was no longer doing it for me...no matter how much I ate or which combinations I tried. It did not make me feel better unless I added alcohol and pills to get that fuzzy, floaty feeling.

When I ate the cake I did not feel better and I was shocked! No flour, no sugar for over a year and still I felt nothing. And it did not taste even 50% as good as I anticipated. My fantasy was much better than the reality. I was back at the same juncture that drove me to FA in the first place...the food was not doing it for me. And I knew that in order to find the "feeling" I wanted I would have to eat way more food, drink some tequila and pop a few benedryl.

And that is a place I am unwilling to go. Although I am back at square one, day one I do not count the past 15 months as loss. I have live a new freedom and a new happiness in FA and although the food won me over in the moment I made the decision that I did not want to lose all that I gained by gaining all that I lost.

I am tired of giving up what I want most in life for the elusive satisfaction of what I want in life's moment. I've spent a lifetime living that chapter over and over and over again...and it's a chapter in a never ending story.

So as I go to bed tonight, I look forward to a brand new day with clean slate.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the past)
The courage to change the things I can (one bite at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time)
And the wisdom to know the difference.