One bite's too many and a whole cake is out of the question!

I battle fatigue. With a sleep apnea machine and oxygen therapy assisting my sleep, I get more good sleep than I used to but often it is still not enough. I struggle with insomnia. I am not sure of the cause, but there are nights when I lay awake for hours. Last night I slept less than 3 hrs. Now for a night or two, little sleep is an inconvenience. Four nights in a row is debilitating. I can't think, I am cranky, my joints hurt, my feet and legs swell and I WANT TO EAT. And what I want to eat is not my weighed and measured sugar free and flour free meals. I want snacks and chocolate because it will make me feel better...for a moment.

Today marks 131 days of abstinence in my recovery program. This number never ceases to surprise me. I wouldn't have belived that I could do this program for that long. But, despite my disbelief, I am proud of what I have accomplished. And my pride, which is truly a defect of character, partially keeps me from eating. I don't want to have to start over. Fear also keeps me in check. I know me. One bite of a forbidden food would never be enough and the whole cake is just out of the question but not out of the realm of probability.

When my dad was in the end stage of his alcoholism, I remember a doctor telling him that his health was so fragile that he did not have one more drunk in him. This is me also. My health is improving somewhat, but I was in pretty bad shape about 132 days ago. I am not sure that I have one more binge in me. I have heard my fellows say that they know that there top weight is still out there if they go looking for it. I know this is true for me. Although my top weight of around 525 was not comparable to where I would end up if I got back into the food.

Another piece of my puzzle that makes my desire for food kick in is when I throw up. In March 2003 I had Lap Band surgery and the side effect that never went away for me is vomiting. I vomit daily. Many times. This messes with my head. Like many other food addicts, I seek the overfull sensation. So when I throw up several times during a meal I start to panic. I worry that I am not getting in enough nutrition. I worry that my hair will fall out, my body will leech calcium from my teeth and that I will be even more tired. BUT more than anything, I feel deprived.

Fast forward to today...I am tired, I threw up part of my lunch and dinner and I am wanting to eat something that I know will go in and stay in. I know it will make me more calm and I will mellow out a bit...for a moment. Instead I did a little reading, wrote on this blog and said a little prayer to God..you know the one...about serenity, courage and wisdom.

Turning to God is not so easy for me. I struggle with thinking that how I feel about me is how God feels about me. But that is a topic for another blog. I think I'll take myself to bed, a momentarily reluctantly abstinant food addict.