Mourning the Food, Feeding the feelings

When I am sad or lonely or tired or angry or happy, I want to eat. Basically, I always want to eat. I fantasize about certain foods. Like chocolate. Specifically, a very specific chocoalte cake made at Costco. I fantasize about Tim's Cascade Salt and Vinegar or Dill Pickle flavored potatoe chips. Or chips and really good salsa. Or s'mores. Or stuffing with gravy. Or fresh cut fries and ketchup.

On the one hand, I am mourning the loss of my companion. But when I get real, I remember that before entering into my food addiction recovery program, the food was not doing it for me anymore. I remember one specific day at work. I was having a bad day. That alone was no so unusual because I had a lot of bad days. But on this particular day I was pretty depressed. One of my co-workers noticed how down I was and decided to cheer me up and suprise me by bringing me one of my favorite lunches. From a favorite local diner she brought two grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches, an order of fries and extra fry sauce and a medium hot fudge milkshake. All favorites.

As I opened the bags and the smells filled my office, I remember thinking...maybe this will make me feel better. I took a bite of my first sandwich. Hot buttery bread, melty American cheese followed by a pull on a thick, icy shake. Ahhhh, the perfect combination...right? Nope. I did not feel anything. In the past, the start of the eating ritual was instantly calming. And as my belly filled to capacity, I would feel comforted, cared for and nurtured. But not this time. I just felt worse. I wanted to cry. I gagged on my bites. The hot fudge shake was too sweet on my throat. My stomach started to feel queasy.

At that moment I remember thinking, where do I go from here? How can I feel better? My addiction had progressed to the point of no return and I did not know what new flavor or combination of flavors was going to hit the spot and take away the sadness and nurture me.

So what did I do? I started mixing my favorite food choices with alcohol. I started drinking after work. After a couple of drinks, I found I could really loosen up. Then my co-workers started to arrange girls night out. I really enjoyed tequila. It took away my emotional pain and had the added bonus of taking away my physical pain too. This turn of events frightened me. I watched my father die from alcholism. I knew where that road ended...I'd seen it first hand.

Fortunately for me, it was only a few months later that got into my recovery program and started traveling the recovery road. I learned that by abstaining from all sugar, flour and quantities of food AND ALCOHOL, I had the hope of a healthy life and a healthy body.

After I got through the physical withdrawls, I realized that that was the easy part. What was I supposed to do with all these feelings? I could not eat or drink to numb out. Forced to deal, I started learning new coping skills. It happened slowly, and in fact is still a work in progress, but when I am hungry I eat, when I am tired I sleep, when I am sad I cry, when I am lonely I call a friend or go visiting and when I am happy I laugh. In other words, I feel and I try and take care of myself.

Some days I am more successful than others. The thing that trips me up is that I miss my emotional cues. I am unfamilar with recognizing my own needs or anticipating them. In the past I reacted/self soothed with food or alcohol when I even started to feel like I might have an emotion. Now, I call another food addict or I read information about my addiction.

Sometimes, I find myself falling back into old patterns of denying my needs and that is when I fatasize about the food. In my recovery program we have a lot of sayings. The saying that I leaned that relates to this circumstance is this: "Don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired." Very true.