I can see light at the end of the tunnel and maybe it's not a train!

On Saturday morning, March 15th, 2008, I walked into my first meeting of Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous...30 minutes late. I had waited until the last minute to leave because I was not sure if I really wanted to go or not and then I was not sure where the church was located and then I went in the wrong door and wandered all over before I found the correct room. Whew.

AND then, when I walked in, the chairs the people were sitting in were those flimsy, white, plastic lawn chairs with arms. Now you need to know that me and flimsy, white, plastic lawn chairs have a history...we go way back. They fear me. I have murdered their friends.

So I quickly scanned the room and saw some metal folding chairs along the back wall. As quietly as possible, I unfolded one of those chairs and set it up in the last row. I was trying really hard not to interrupt the speaker but I was not very successful. I don't walk or sit down quietly and I was breathing pretty hard. In spite of the disruption, several ladies smiled at me and then we continued to listen to the speaker.

Truthfully, I really don't remember much of what was said that day, except that I had to stand up and introduce myself to the group. Most everyone said the line I have seen in many movies..."Hi, my name is ________, and I'm a food addict." I've seen the movie 28 days, I know how these meeting things work. Then another lady stood up, did the intro thing, and then called herself a grateful food addict...what a minute...back up the bus...grateful to be a food addict? I wondered if food was her only "issue" because that was the craziest thing I had ever heard.

I know that I am a food addict but there is nothing grateful in me. In fact I am pissed off that I am here and having to face this problem. I want to eat what I want to eat and be thin LIKE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. BUT I'M NOT AND I AM DAMN SURE NOT GRATEFUL! Maybe this was not the place for me.

Then we came to a place in the meeting where everyone took a break to socialize. Everyone was so friendly and made it a point to come and talk to me and welcome me to the group. I was shown to the literature table and even picked up a few pamphlets about my disease and and how to better understand it. That part was cool and seemed to fit. I had considered bolting but I was mellowing a bit by then. I mean really, I was already there so what's another 30 minutes out of the rest of my life...and this program had worked for my classmate.

Then the meeting resumed and it was then that my aha moment happened. There was a gal at the meeting who stood up and started talking and she was sharing experiences that I could really relate to. AND she had lost a lot of weight in a pretty short amount of time. So here was another person who had radically transformed. Small seeds of hope started to crowd out my weeds of doubt. If it had worked at least three times that I knew of then maybe, just maybe it would work for me.

And, all they did was stop eating flour and sugar, weigh and measure their food and drink no alcohol. There were no program fees, expensive food to buy or exclusive tips. All I needed was to believe that I was a food addict, believe that my life was messed up (duh!), and be willing to do whatever it took to stop eating. Then, and only then, would I have a hope of a normal sized body.

I knew that what I was doing definitely was not working. I knew I was a food addict. I knew I was dying bite by bite.

Now, my normal pattern of behavior is jump in feet first and say this is the thing for me and go gung ho into it...full throttle ahead. But something interesting had caught my attention. At some point, the group suggested that newcomers attend a few meetings and see if the program had something for them. If it did, you would choose a sponsor and get started. "So what do I have to lose?"

Nothing. Nothing to lose at all. And any mirror showed how much I had gained. So I decided then and there that I would go to another meeting that following Monday and that I would come back again on Saturday...and listen. Just listen. No action. Just see if this program was meant for me.

When I pulled out of the parking lot I felt the presence of God. I knew He was in this and that I was on the edge of possibility. But I was afraid too. Programs that worked for other people often did not work for me...so many times I have been the exception to the rule...maybe I would start strong like usual and then fail as usual.

I made two decisions on that cold clear morning: First, all I could do was try, and second, if I tried and failed then this was truly it...NO MORE DIETS. With the decision made, and a fledgling plan in place, I had a contented, satisfied smile on my face as I pulled into the Taco Bell drive thru.

To find out more information about food addiction and to locate meetings in your area click on the following link. This blog in no way represents FA. I only share this link as a tool that I use in my journey. http://www.foodaddicts.org/