Feeling the need to isolate

Tonight I am tired and angry. I know why I am tired...limited sleep in the past few days. But I don't know why I'm angry. I have no reason to be angry. Life is going well. Work is work...always chaotic and stressful. So nothing new. My friend relationships are going well. And my family relationships are going well. I really have nothing to be angry about. I spent a good portion of the day trying to figure out what my problem is and the only thing I can come up with is that I am lonely.

I struggle with loneliness. In recent months, feeling lonely was not that big of an issue because I was very sick and almost immobile. But now I'm feeling better. I lost about 25 pounds in my first 30 days and my next weigh is scheduled for Monday, June 2nd. I know that I've lost more weight because my pants are getting really baggy. My point? Now that I am feeling better, I find myself wanting to get out and do more.

Let me share a little history...

I used to be a very active person. Always on the go and the life of the party. I didn't let my weight stop me. Sure it slowed me down...I mean at 480 pounds I did not move quickly...but I moved. I went to movies, restaurants, church functions, work, friends houses...just about everywhere. Then I got sick and started skipping the party. My world became very small. My socializing narrowed to just a few friends at work, phone conversations and an occasional friend or two that I considered safe enough to invite to my less that spotless house.

And when I did have company I was not a great hostess because I wasn't able to move around much. This was a hard transitions for some of my friends. I went from being social coordinator and life of the party to sick, needy and nearly home bound. My health deteriorated to a point where I could barely walk from my car to my office. I wasn't even sure how much longer I would be able to work. I looked into disability and even started the process of making my will. BUT...then I found FA, got a sponsor and felt the first real glimmer of hope in years.

Now, back to today and feeling lonely...

I live alone. I have critters that keep me company but sometimes it is just nice to have someone to sit and talk to face to face. My struggle comes when my friends are busy with their own families and their own lives. At the tender age of 39, most of my friends have children and families of their own that keep them busy and it is hard to find extra time to come over and hang our or go and do something. Logically, in my head I know that my friends cannot always be there but my heart feels rejected and lonely.

I am single. And I will likely remain single. My life choice to overeat contributed to my being single. My head knows that it is not fair for me to expect other people to fill the "hole in my heart" but my heart feels angry. Angry with my situation, angry with God and angry with my friends and family who cannot meet my needs.

I must find a way to cultivate and maintain relationships where others feel safe enough to set boundaries and hold them. Also, I need to build enough self confidence to realize that I am loved no matter how much I weigh. Then maybe, just maybe, I can allow others to be in relationship with me on their terms. Maybe, just maybe, I don't have to completely control my environment and everything will still work out okay. Or maybe even better?