36 Days and Counting...

Today marks the 36th day since I stopped eating sugar and flour. I started on the sponsored FA food plan on April 5th, 2008. It's the best decision I've ever made and one of the hardest. The first two weeks were hard because of the withdrawal symptoms...erratic mood swings, headaches, body chills, fatigue, nausea and interrupted sleep. After about three weeks, the bulk of the symptoms to leveled out.

By going to meetings and listening to other food addicts talk, I heard about cravings for the sugar and flour going away immediately. That has not been my experience (so far), but I am only about a month into the rest of my life. One thing I can say, is that every day it gets easier to make right food choices. The surprising and hard thing is that as I am peeling back the layers of my addiction, I find challenges in unexpected areas of my life.

I always thought that once I got the sugar and flour out of my system the cravings would go away...and the physical cravings have gone away. But the emotional cravings haven't. While my head knows which food is my food my heart wants what my heart wants. As I write this post I am lonely. I want to feel arms around me, to feel someone stroking my hair and face and hear a voice telling me that I am loved. I want to be cherished. And I miss the smell of a man. For 20 years food has been my runner-up lover. Always available, saying just the right thing at the right time and making me feel warm, content and full. Food "completed me".

For me, success in abstinence means divorcing food. Like any woman in relationship with an abusive lover, I have left many times only to go back again and again. I know that if I don't make a successful break, food will kill me. But at the same time my heart longs.

This hole in my heart, that I filled with food, is the hole that God created in me and He intended to fill it Himself. But being the most perfect of gentlemen, God never forces His way in. Instead, He waits patiently to be invited. In the New American Standard Bible, Revelation 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me."

When I re-read this scripture I was amazed. Although I have read this many times I had forgotten the last few words...I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me...not only was God waiting for me, HE WOULD DINE WITH ME. HE WOULD BE PRESENT AT EVERY MEAL.

Now, since I graduated from a Christian College located in the Bible Belt, I must confess that this is not the first time I've read this scripture. But I always interpreted this verse as referring to the act of becoming a Christian. I never thought about this verse referring to God's companionship.

The third step of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." My understanding just changed. If God's desire was to fill my lonely heart and "dine with me" why not let Him plan the menu?

Does turning my will and life over to God make my struggle any easier in the heat of the moment? Sometimes, yes.

The only time God does not ease my struggle is when I refuse to submit to His authority and I rebel against the structure of my FA food plan. I know that God led me to FA and God led me to my sponsor, but my pride and my desire to "be the boss of me" creates moment by moment struggle.

But, with God's help, and in spite of myself, just for today, I am abstinent. And for that, I AM grateful.